Senioritis: a swelling of the apathy glands

By Davis Hill, Staff Writer

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Hill

Graduating students have many challenges yet ahead: final tests, job applications and last-minute GECR crises. But none of these compare to the true end-of-the-year crucible: the dreaded senioritis.

What is senioritis? It’s an affliction whereby you simply don’t feel like doing anything productive anymore. Speaking of which, you want to go grab a smoothie?

No, no, I can do this. OK. Senioritis is actually a totally normal realignment of priorities—after years of late nights, hurried microwaveable dinners and emotional isolation, you’re ready to start living a little. You want to be healthier, have more time for friends and just generally enjoy life. You’re burned out.

This is actually a good thing. Burning out gives you an opportunity to extinguish old, unhealthy habits and form new ones. It yanks you out of autopilot and forces you to look critically at your life.

The peculiar danger of senioritis is not that you make bad decisions, just that you’re making them several months before you should—you’re re-calibrating for post-college before you’ve actually finished school.

Also, you get way behind on things. For example, I didn’t even start writing this piece until yesterday. It isn’t even finished yet, and it’s already in the paper.

Anyway, senioritis is something you need to avoid if you wish to retain any hope of graduating. Below is a checklist with some common senioritis symptoms. For every situation that pertains to you, give yourself five points. Then, forget about them, because that’s stupid.

– Your schedule changes without warning. Most seniors have figured out that sticking to your schedule is key to succeeding in class. So when you suddenly realize that for the past week you’ve spent more time scheduling Firefly episodes than study sessions, you know something’s wrong.

– You can’t sleep. You just don’t feel tired. Spring is here and you’re feeling itchy. You want to play frisbee or you’re looking at a new house; if you’re single, maybe you’re reconsidering maintaining this status. You feel like inviting friends over on a weekday.

– Skipping class. Talk to your doctor if you are graduating this spring but still find yourself attending class. This is often a sign of a severe life deficiency—as in, you need to get one.

– You regret your own success. We put so much emphasis on academic success: grades, awards and excellent papers. But your GPA comes at a price: that success creates pressure to succeed more.

Everyone wants to know what you’re working on or what’s next or what your plans are. Ironically, it seems the more academically successful you are, the more likely you are to suffer from senioritis. If you’d just stayed under the radar, your last quarter wouldn’t be so bad because no one would expect you to do anything.

– You forget what you were talking about. You probably weren’t paying attention in the first place. It’s hard, because you just don’t care anymore. Anyway, one of the symptoms of senioritis is that you forget what you were talking about. You probably weren’t paying attention in the first place.

– You say things you don’t want to. Keeping criticisms and opinions to yourself is a large part of getting along with others and functioning in society. When senioritis hits, though, everything starts coming loose—especially your lips.

You must hold fast. One more month and then you can trash your professors and school co-workers to your heart’s content. For example, all year I’ve been wanting to tell my piano teacher that he’s a real—see? It even almost happened to me, and I’m a professional.

OK, we know the symptoms, but how do you cure senioritis? The best cure I’ve come up with is to pull out your schedule planner, count backwards to ten, drink two beers in a row and then meet your friends outside for softball.

I guess that isn’t really much of a cure, but that’s OK by me. I just don’t really feel like thinking about it right now, you know?

Views expressed in this review do not necessarily reflect the views of The Easterner.

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