This year at The Easterner we are introducing a new weekly column where I will describe ways that students on campus can have a more enjoyable experience. If you think I’m talking about you, I am.

What’s the deal with group projects?

How is it that no matter your department, there is always a set of classifications that group members fit into, while simultaneously swindling other group members into carrying the load?

We can start with the fidgeting student. You know, the one who, when a question is asked, shifts their weight to one side and releases a few hushed grunts and “hmmms,” as if the answer is on the tip of their tongue and they just can’t quite remember. Those mannerism aren’t the sign of some higher intelligence; we all know you’re just hoping for someone else to speak up so you can immediately agree with whatever they say.

Please stop with that nonsense and realize you’re just like the majority of students and didn’t do the reading. Every person who did read beforehand fully understands that you came to class with all the intentions of helping the group and none of the abilities.

At least you had good intentions rather than our next group member: the lazy one.

Not only are you lazy but you also love group projects. From the get go you stand out because you’re so excited to work with other people from class.

The rest of us can read between the lines, we know that means you’ll be absent to at least half of our meetings. Don’t even bother buying the book because you’ll just bum someone else’s copy — not that you will be reading this quarter anyways.

I just wonder: Why are you even here? It is clearly not for the learning experience.

Now that we are halfway around the table, I have landed on my own sub-category: the scribe and presenter. No, we didn’t do the reading. Not because we forgot, simply because we chose to spend our time in another way. That’s right, my dog actually didn’t eat my write-up before I came in today.

Sorry but bullsh***ing just comes naturally to us and it has been that way since elementary. We were the ones forging our parents’ signatures in the sixth grade — not to avoid getting in trouble, just to see if we could get away with it.

It’s why standing in front of class doesn’t make us nervous. Go ahead and test us with a question or two. The web I’m about to weave will leave you confused yet satisfied.

I might even throw in a “does that make any sense?” at the end just to really throw you for a loop.

We just happened to realize long ago that this position allows for the opportunity to copy the answers from fellow group members in a somewhat productive way.

Finally, we reached the team player. Props to you. You’ve never missed a class period and have always done the readings. The end of the quarter paper, yeah, you’re definitely writing two-thirds of that.

When it comes to tracking down and keeping everyone informed of due dates, that is your responsibility as well. But don’t worry we’re all going to receive the same amount of credit.

Just remember you’re the only one maximizing your college experience and if by some chance you one day get a job, your efforts will be noticed.

So to professors I ask: Why do you keep forcing us into these groups? They do not maximize the potential of your students and are not conducive to a productive learning environment.