Regrettably choking down a cigarette, hoping my heart doesn’t beat right out of my chest, I try to figure out exactly how I am in this situation.

The first day of class used to be an exciting time to see old friends and meet new people. Now the thought of seeing all those eager faces makes me an anxious wreck and drives me to dive deeper within myself.

As my college experience has changed from being one of those eager 18 year olds to a grumpy, former dropout who counts the days until I have a small certificate that claims some form of accomplishment, so too has my mentality toward being around people.

I’ve always been very comfortable on my own, but more and more I feel handcuffed by anti-social tendencies that leave me continually pushing away friends and completely avoiding commitments.

It makes me want to skip class and it is only the first week. I couldn’t even make it through the first day without caving on tobacco and having a few drinks later that night.

My college experience has passed the social expansion years and I routinely feel terrified of handling the simplest of exchanges.

Learning to cope with my anxiety has become more manageable, now that I understand what situations can cause negative reactions. There is never a uniform pattern as sometimes I can be very sociable and others a total disaster.

I still immediately find the exits when I enter a room and begin to prepare my escape excuses — a skill I’ve become quite proud of.

University involves lots of anxiety; the entire social experience is based upon broadening horizons and stepping outside comfort zones.

I’m not alone in this; over 19 percent of college students suffer from “overwhelming anxiety,” according to study by the American College Health Association.

Eighteen credits and three jobs doesn’t help, as I routinely feel overwhelmed and exhausted. By the time I get home I just want to sleep but running through the daily checklist and realizing what still needs to be accomplished, in addition to caffeine binges, keeps my mind churning.
There are only a handful of nights in the last year where drugs and alcohol have helped me to at least fall asleep.

Up until about a month ago I was not comfortable sharing any of my personal mental health issues. It was something I would go about on my own and didn’t want to share or actually bring up at all.

Even in writing this I’ve been incredibly nervous about submitting a copy.

It is not that I wasn’t aware or capable of handling anxiety, simply that I chose not to talk about it. But the comfort of being able to share current and past struggles has presented a new mechanism for getting through the darker times.

Addressing my anxiety openly for the first time in eight years has unlocked another avenue of release for me. The concept seems incredible simple and definitely cliché, but that does not make it any easier to do.

I’ve learned to cope with many of the fears that arise on a day-to-day basis, but finding ways to release has become vital to maintaining a balance mental state. I have always found hiking or fly-fishing as the best ways to put my mind at ease — really any form of escapism that puts me in nature and away from people.

Anxiety has no script and differs in every case, but it is manageable. Different mechanisms work for different people. There is no universal trick or cure, more of a process of discovering one’s self and finding happiness with who you are.